Day 669- Disneyland and Instagram

Today, my mother and I took a spur of the moment trip to Disneyland. Since, as I have posted before, I feel bad with the time and attention that she hasn’t been able to give to my sister, we invited my sister and her boyfriend to come with us. The weather was in fact so hot today that we only went on one ride, Pirates Of The Caribbean. However, we have season passes so we’ll just go back another day.

However, the heat, on top of seeing happy people, kids of all ages, and my pregnant sister, my mood has taken a turn for the worse. I downloaded Instagram again, and I am sure I will end up regretting this as Instagram will helpfully remind me that we used to be friends. Plus, seeing other people’s happy moods gets to me on most days.

I’ll write more tomorrow. I can feel the beginnings of sunburns and am feeling very listless.

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Day 670

Yesterday was my sister’s second baby shower, so I purposefully slept most of the day, am avoiding the front room where there are dozens and dozens of bags of baby supplies, and hoping to schedule things to do tomorrow, so I’m not just siting here. Waiting for him to get here. There never are enough things in the summer to keep me distracted. And remembering where I was planning on jetting off to last summer only makes things worse.

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Early Morning Rambles

 

I promise that one day I’ll have the lack of self control to write about what put me in this awful spot, pining away over something(s) I’ll never have.

For now, this song sums it up and keeps me company as I try to go back to sleep after waking up crying.

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Absence from Posting Day 672

I know that I fell out of the routine of writing every day. I think this is because, in my eyes at least, my life is mind numbingly boring. Wake up, distract myself the best I can from my problems all day, sleep as long as I can, try to unwind, go back to sleep. There is nothing exciting about my life. Even my pain seems to have lost it’s spikes. I have mood swings but they are never to the manic side anymore, they are always anger or sudden onsets of violent tears.

And I miss him, constantly. That’s a given. He’s one of the first things out of a trillion that assail me when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. Sometimes I can’t even escape him by sleeping. I wish he’d call. If he had any idea of how much pain I’m in, I think he would call. Right?

I’m not going to my sister’s baby shower on Saturday. It’s just too much. Since I have yet to find a surrogate, I am even starting to think about having my own child, which is something I never before would have considered. But  I know me, and if there was someone that was part of me in this world, I would never kill myself. I might want to. I might regret having a reason to have to stay. But I would never kill myself. But I’m too much of a coward so I doubt that will go anywhere.

So I will be the worst aunt ever, and go to the beach and get high on Saturday, in the attempt to forget that my sister is getting what I’ve wanted nearly all my life and all my friends seem to be getting with no trouble. With no redeemable qualities to make them worthy of being parents. Not that I’m redeemable either, just sayin’.

That’s all for now. Because like I said, my life is boring

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Day 676- Father’s Day

Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, holds its own unique hardships for me. The day reminds me that I am not a mother, because I have no child-thus no father to such child. The day reminds me of all the men in my life who are fathers, including the ones that no longer speak to me, for a variety of painful reasons always guaranteed to make me cry.

The day reminds me of my own father, who passed away in 2013, and of the close relationship we were just beginning to have when he lost his battle to brain cancer.

I wish I could have one more phone conversation, one more squeez-y tight hug from him, one more “I love you honey” in his somewhat garbled speech, a side effect from years of cancer treatments.

It reminds me though also, of my Pop-o who has been there since I was four, without fail, and has taught me countless lessons. Though he prides me on my intelligence, he has taught me that it is better to be kind. To give to those who need it. When I have the funds or the supplies to give to those who need it, but lack the courage, he gives for me. He goes without complaint on numerous driving and library trips, and goes with me to Buddhism classes.  He is without a doubt, one of the top five reasons I am still alive. Happy Father’s Day Pop-o. I love you mas y mas.

To any Fathers reading this, any daughters or sons, take the time to appreciate your children, your fathers, because the time that we think will last forever, simply doesn’t.

To any Fathers, give your children a hug, if possible, and Happy Father’s Day.

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Day 679

Today I have my first session of driver’s training-I hate being judged by strangers. Later there is the Buddhism 101 class. But today, I don’t want to do anything. I want to keep my sad songs on repeat and pull a blanket over my head so I can sleep. I don’t miss not having dreams. Too often, they lead back to him. Or pretty much anyone else in the world I would rather not see or hear again.

WHY do I sign up for things? I don’t want to be conscious anymore. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to focus on the people who now remain on the outskirts of my life, ready to pounce, but who won’t have a conversation with me. It’s enough to make me scream. If I get in a car, I just want to crash it. I don’t have any peace. I need to find it, or the conversations we had, the movie replaying in my mind will be the end of me, I swear.

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Day 680-Temptation

What the heck am I doing if I go back to my old ways, associating myself with the things and people that only cause me pain? True, it could be on the way to opening a new and better door my mind tells me. Or, and more likely, it could cause me a whole other world of hurt. What am I doing?

Today I was able to get Panera with my mother, my mala beads got delivered and I went shopping with a friend and got a few things. I will be practicing driving later if I can get out of bed and I get to go to a Buddhist class tomorrow. Still, the second I am home, with only my own thoughts, I am empty. Temptation is everywhere. I have to change. I can’t let myself sink further down than I already am. Something has to change.

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