Yesterday, day 687 was spent in major excruciating pain in my bed for about 85-90% of the day as I near the one year anniversary of a time both joyous and heartbreaking to me. Now the time I look back on is only heartbreaking. Every single conversation I had plays back in perfect, crystal clear memory. Damn my good memory. I can picture exactly what I would say to him, exactly how I would say it. But his response is just static fuzz in the screen of my mind, so coward that I am, I do not press send.
Hopefully now, I can go out, run errands without having a breakdown, and avoid dinner with my pregnant sister. Hooray for avoiding family… I guess. Hopefully after she’s had my nephew, I can go back to hanging out with her again. If my intrusive mind will loosen it’s grip a tiny centimeter, maybe.
It is 1030, I have been out of bed for less than an hour and I am exhausted. I will write more again tonight as to how today went, though realistically I do not hold high hopes for this day.