Maybe we stay away from specific people, from way back when for a reason. I probably should have known better. But I don’t know what I am now. Just lost, I guess.
No, I didn’t contact the one singular man I have ever loved. That would be a idea that would fall apart at conception. No, but I almost wish I had. At least, that way I’d know where we were. But I don’t know anything.
I just smoked until I was tired of coughing and then I came upstairs to my masoleum of a room. I should never have at 17, tried to make such big plans. Though to be fair, my mind shouldn’t have forced me to feel compelled to plan such momentous things. That still haven’t happened. I’m still not a mom. And with the way things are going, I never ever will be.
So all I’m left with after a rather awkwardly worded reunion are my questions, and a foggy brain. My pain stays at the edges, like a dementor that’s stopped from passing through by a Patronus. I wonder what mine would be. I’d want it to be an animal, so not a marijuana leaf. Who knows? Maybe whatever JK Rowling’s was when she was so depressed. I don’t know if she’s said what is was then, or what is is.
So my saviour from pain is all around me as I sit in my masoleum bed and wait. Wait anxiously for my shield to be torn away and the full pain to hit me again.
Better fall asleep before it does.
All i want tonight is to talk to him, I don’t think I ever will.