There’s not much to say, but I’m supposed to update regularly so on day 687 I am not dead, yet. I am planning a trip to Virginia and my friend from Virginia is also planning a trip here.
I need to get out, be away from what I know, and not be here and around when my sister has her baby. Obsessive thoughts that I will never be a mother (certainly at this rate, I don’t think I’ll be alive to be one) are too much for me to bear. I am hanging on, but just barely and my whole life is a tightrope act, one wrong step and I could be reduced to by bed for days sobbing my eyes out and longing even louder than usual to kill myself.
I’m doing a cleanse and am planning to visit a Buddhist temple. I will write more on my current religious thoughts another day as it is sure to take a while.
I haven’t thought about him so obsessively over the last couple of days, as there are other, shinier people to obsess on, but I’ll still have a 3 in the morning dream and be reduced to waking myself up crying and calling out loudly but incoherently.
God, I need my license. And shock therapy. But I want my license first. Independence and not electricity going through my head.
This is today. It’s boring and I’m anxious and on edge, sitting on pins and needles about a dozen different things, but that’s today.