Yesterday was a surprisingly pleasant day. Armed with Klonopin and Xanax in my system, I was able to meet someone new and actually have a really nice time. As I felt the need to tell them later, this led to unusual things happening in my day.
Or rather, not happening.
When I was busy, with my mind distracted (I hope it wasn’t just the pills), I didn’t cry about him all day. The kids at the arcade, in the mall, wherever they were, I didn’t notice them hardly at all. I don’t know what it was, but it was a really nice change, and it’ll be a shame when I don’t have them around anymore.
Today is very different. I’ve cried nearly all day. It’s not worth it to do anything. I can’t sleep because I’m too restless, and I have nothing to pull me out of this rut. There is nothing, nothing, that is cheering me up or giving me even the slightest motivation to live.
Today is my sister’s first baby shower and of course I didn’t go. Surprisingly, I feel very little. Maybe that part of the pain comes later.
I just need out. To distract my mind and not think about him.
Not rewards program notifications for a gas station store I’ll never go to again.
Not every other single person (That I see) at my age out and living while I suffocate in my own bed.
I really fucking wish today was yesterday.
Today, if i beleived in hospitals anymore, maybe I’d be going to be hospitalized. But I can laugh at the very thought. Those floor staff, who’ve barely graduated high school, compared to the seemingly genius neurologists who haven’t been able to help, they can’t do shit for me. And as much as they always try, they can’t make me smile, and they can’t help me fix myself.
And I don’t think anyone will ever be able to. This is it. The last streak and then right into nothing. Today, I’ve been reminded of what he looks like, and there’s no helping that. Remembering every moment all over again, and the conversations start back up in my head.
And today, even just breathing in and out is excruciating.
I swear, I try not to harbor hatred in my thought against him. I don’t want to harbor anything. But today, if someone would just give him a swift punch in the face, I wouldn’t really mind.
Today is hell.