Today I have my first session of driver’s training-I hate being judged by strangers. Later there is the Buddhism 101 class. But today, I don’t want to do anything. I want to keep my sad songs on repeat and pull a blanket over my head so I can sleep. I don’t miss not having dreams. Too often, they lead back to him. Or pretty much anyone else in the world I would rather not see or hear again.
WHY do I sign up for things? I don’t want to be conscious anymore. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to focus on the people who now remain on the outskirts of my life, ready to pounce, but who won’t have a conversation with me. It’s enough to make me scream. If I get in a car, I just want to crash it. I don’t have any peace. I need to find it, or the conversations we had, the movie replaying in my mind will be the end of me, I swear.