As much as I don’t want to jinx it, maybe I’m turning a corner. Instead of the first thought in my mind every morning, he’s more like the fiftieth. Maybe I’m turning a corner, maybe I’m getting better. At night, I can fall asleep without having to imagine myself wherever he is. He was never really that great after. Maybe, despite it’s best efforts, my brain will not win this one. He will not be the last thing I obsess about, and despite what my brain tells me, maybe his loss will not kill me, wipe me off the planet, reduce me to ashes. The corner is jagged and has spikes and barbed wire, spiders and pitch black darkness, but somewhere there is the other side, and on the other side, I don’t have to worry about him.
Maybe. I can safely obsess about other things now, more mundane things, like moving, and school, and getting an engine for my bike because I’m too much of a coward to get my driver’s licence. Maybe he can be a passing thought, looked upon almost fondly, before I am pulled away to obsess on something else.
I hope so. And i hope typing this and setting it aside does not send me spiraling again. Because my brain is exhausted from thinking about him.
The corner is jagged and has spikes and barbed wire, spiders and pitch black darkness, but somewhere there is the other side, and on the other side, I don’t have to worry about him. Not unscathed, but I’ll round the bend hopefully and it won’t hurt as bad. I can get stung by barbs and pricked by wire but as long as I get to stop thinking about him, I’ll be okay.
I’ll figure out the exact day later and put it on my next post, I don’t know how many are left. And today, I don’t really mind.