Inducing

My sister is being induced sometime this evening. She’s a week late with my nephew, and so by tomorrow morning, the doctor thinks she’ll be ready to deliver.

One might think I would be excited, but then that person wouldn’t know me very well. I’m a huge mass of anxiety and depression, wanting but not wanting to meet him when he gets here. Knowing that his very existence could make my kid obsession a whole lot worse.

Wanting to vow to never see him. But I’m not a cold,  callous person. Of the three kids in the family, I have a timeline, six hundred something days now, and of course surrogates don’t grow on trees, so I am most likely never going to be a mother. Because I won’t bring another person into this world, knowing very well that they would most likely be at least partly as sad as I am. My therapist calls this choice not to procreate selflessness. I call it cowardice.

We don’t agree but it doesn’t matter. The night is very long already and there is nothing to fill my time with. There will be no sleeping tonight, I smoked but not enough to take an edge off because I am committed to my bed, my room ice cold, allowing me to cower under the covers like the coward I am. I am responsible for my own pain, this lack of having a child.

Way to fucking go kid. You have to ruin everything. 9 months and maybe then you’d stop complaining. But no, I have to be me. All the fucking time.

About masterpieceofadisaster

Alias: Kuckoo Savant
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5 Responses to Inducing

  1. I want a child as well. It can happen. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nya says:

    I agree with you. It’s cowardice. But I assure you that if you ever get knocked up accidentally or something, that baby will change who you are. You cannot know selflessness until you love someone else more than you love yourself. It doesn’t have to be your own child, but it has to be someone you love as if they’re your own child, even if it’s someone older than you are.

    P.S. Your writing is flipping awesome. Don’t ever stop. Write as “raw and honest(ly)” as you can, even if you think you sound like an asshole or a crazy person. Those are the people We the People want to hear from — via writing, painting, screaming. Just tell the damn truth. That’s how you make your life worth something. You write what’s really in your head so that you can help someone else who feels like dying. Then you have the balls to stick it on a blog or in a book so that you can help many, not just one. Be a mother to the masses by being open about your misery.

    P.S.S. Every parent is a colossal failure. Some are just worse than others.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. M.D. says:

    You are being real. There are many women out there who can’t have children, or don’t have children for more than one reason. I know someone who would refuse to go to baby showers because it hurt her too much because she couldn’t have kids herself. She wanted to be happy for her family members and friends, but she couldn’t really be. I don’t have any advice for you. Maybe I haven’t read that many of your posts, but why do you want to have your own child?

    Liked by 1 person

    • masterpieceofadisaster says:

      I have a long family history of mental illness, and I have treatment resistant depression that would very likely be carried on to my child. It’s a very hard decision

      Like

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