Thanks mind. I wake up past one in the morning and can’t get my mind to shut up to go back to sleep. Instead I think of people that I hate thinking about.
IF i could, i would get deep brain stimulation done tomorrow. Cut into my head, I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t be her, as much as I’d like to be, and nothing is going to ever change what has happened.
I’m not a jealous person usually, thinking I deserve something more than someone else. Low self esteem does not go hand in hand with thinking you deserve amazing things. But I’m envious and jealous and full of spite and longing.
And I can chant to the gohonzon all I want but he’s not leaving my mind. So please give me the fucking surgery. Because it’s past 1 in the morning, and I can’t sleep because my mind tells me I need him.
My mind is broken and I’m ready for any scalpel because I don’t want to think about him anymore. Please.
“Now i sleep, sleep the hours that I can’t weep,
when all I know was steeped in blackened holes,
I was lost”
Mumford and sons Below my feet