Yesterday, despite attempts to turn off such notifications, my Facebook reminded me that exactly a year ago, I came home from my stay in Missouri. Which of course sent me into another emotional tailspin where I couldn’t get out of bed or eat.
I wonder if they got that notification too. I wonder if they even batted an eye. I know that despite what my mind tells me, I don’t need them in my life, I am better off, supposedly. But that doesn’t help when my mind lies to me, keeps me in bed, and keeps me from even taking a shower.
A year after, I go to bed as early as I can, and sleep in as late as I can. I miss them like crazy. I think about them everywhere I go and whatever book I read or show I watch.
I don’t know how to block them from my mind. But I found a Buddhist advice book at the library
“Love hurts-Buddhist advice for the Heartbroken”, and sometimes it helps.
Though sometimes is not nearly enough.
Today, summoning the energy to take a shower is not worth it. What’s the point? Nothing I will do will make them come back. Or care how much I want to die. I don’t know how they don’t care but they don’t, and that leaves me all by myself.